My wife and I play a little game every Saturday morning when we go downtown for breakfast bagels. No matter how crowded the downtown, we drive as though we expect to find a parking place on College Avenue, right in front of Irving's Bagels. This means we pass up parking spaces on side streets; we even pass up spaces that aren't quite in front of Irving's. If there isn't a space in front, we drive around the block twice and about 90% of the time we find a good spot. Usually we find a space on our first try.
What's going on here? Is there some parking space guardian angel watching over us? Probably not; I'm sure guardian angels have better things to do. But when we adopt an attitude of positive expectation, we pass up less desirable parking opportunities and increase our chances of finding the ideal space that we would not have discovered otherwise. It's an enjoyable game you might want to try, provided you don't screw up my chances of finding a space in front of Irving's.
This simple example demonstrates a useful principle of psychology and life: we tend to get what we expect. This happens because our expectations slant our thoughts and behaviors in ways that support the expectations. The principle is true whether the expectations are positive or negative.
Now I'm not the first person to notice this; numerous books have been written on the topic. However, many of the books are written for business, marketing, or religion. Let me give you some examples from everyday life.
Consider relationships. I enjoy working with couples, and am often amazed at how the expectations of one spouse shape the behavior of the other. The husband who suspects that his wife is going to leave him often poisons the relationship so much that she eventually leaves. The spouse who expects that her partner will not respect her needs can become so defensive and angry that nobody wants to respect her needs. The spouse who expects to be loved is free, as a result, to be loving herself and receives love in return. The partners who expect sex to be enjoyable no matter how it goes are more relaxed and typically experience a better sex life.
The principle applies to parents and teachers and children as well. Parents and teachers who expect their children to perform well get better performance from their children. Adults who expect their children to be "bad" often have children who live up to that expectation. Children adopt the self-image that significant adults have of them as well as the behaviors that those adults expect.
Before I was a clinician I spent time in the Navy and then in the corporate world. Some senior officers and managers expected their subordinates to be irresponsible and stupid. Others expected them to be responsible team players with good ideas. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to guess which officers and managers got the best results.
Finally, let's look at health. My observation over the years is that people who expect to live a long time take better care of themselves and live longer as a result. People who expect less longevity don't take care of themselves as well. The results are predictable.
Obviously, I am going to recommend that you adopt positive expectations instead of negative ones, though doing so can sometimes be difficult. Taking the negative viewpoint and adopting a defensive posture can often feel safer, because negative expectations encourage you to be prepared for failure in case the expected happens. Expecting things to work out well and behaving as though they will means that you don't prepare as much for failure. It means taking some risks, including risking disappointment. That can feel scary, and research shows that people are typically risk aversive.
But which is really more risky - setting yourself up for failure by expecting to fail, or setting yourself up for success by expecting to succeed?
Which would you choose?
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Based on my article of the same name that appeared in the State College Magazine in September, 2006
Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.
