FIXING A TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP
I believe the most important relationship you or I will have is a firmly committed one, whether it be marriage or a committed partnership. Most adults have tried it. Many find happiness in it but some find misery. Personally, I think the best condition a person can experience is the happily married or committed condition. The worst is the miserably married or committed condition. They're powerful relationships.
Marriages and committed relationships are a little like the stock market: the returns can be terrific and can last a lifetime when you make a good choice, do it at the right time, and then hang on; it often feels scary when you start; you feel wonderful when you win and awful when you loose. Sometimes you have to reduce your losses and get out; the losses can be very expensive; the more you've been burned the more cautious you become.
I have spent many hours working with couples. I enjoy it. Working with troubled couples has taught me a lot about how relationships work, and seeing couples improve is rewarding. Likewise, seeing miserable, un-helpable couples decide to move on with their lives has its rewards. An additional joy of doing couples therapy is that usually it goes very smoothly.
Working with couples is usually a joy because most couples can make significant progress when they learn the basic tools and when the right conditions are met. I've learned some tricks of the trade, so to speak, that I want to share because they reveal a lot about making a good committed relationship work.
The first rule I've learned is that couples, not the therapist, have to do most of the work. Many people come to therapy thinking that my job is to "fix him" or "fix her" or "fix us," and are surprised to hear that they need to fix themselves. My job is to provide encouragement, a safe place to work, fair rules of engagement, training, an agenda, and infrequent advice. I need to teach couples the tools of communication (active listening, speaking in non-threatening ways, handling emotions) and problem solving. Once these goals are met, many couple can do much of the work themselves.
Second, I evaluate each couple for workability at the beginning of therapy by learning not only their individual and joint histories, but by also evaluating their motivation to work on their relationship. My experience is that if both people have a high motivation level, therapy usually works well. If either person is unmotivated to make the relationship work, I know that effective therapy, at least with me, will be nearly impossible and I tell them so. In addition, the longer they have waited to work on their problems, the worse the probable outcome. Telling a couple bad news is difficult and hearing it is often very painful for them, but most couples are eventually relieved to hear the truth and to be able to focus on how to end their relationship in a civilized way and move on.
Another simple truth I've learned is that, usually, the more time a couple spends on using what they learn in therapy, the better the outcome. Obviously, motivated people are willing to work harder. But I also find that the more time couples spend communicating without interruptions from children or work, the better they do. Some couples, when they are making progress, do things they used to do when they were courting. They do better as a result.
So, what are some of the basic observations from my experience?
- Address marital problems early - before they become habits and your motivation wanes.
- Only you, as a couple, can fix the problems. No-one can fix them for you.
This approach is sure less expensive than divorce.
____________________________________________
Based on my article, "Marriage Maintenance" which appeared in State College Magazine in April 2006
